


to be a better person

by jiddongie



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, mentioned one sided nielwink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 08:16:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13713657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiddongie/pseuds/jiddongie
Summary: jihoon just needs to be a better person.





	to be a better person

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags carefully as this work deals with sensitive subjects that can be triggering. also let me know if i should add more warning tags. thank you. and jihoon, i love you.

it was all the subtle things. the subtle ones always made everything worse, the worst. the jokes were only sugar-coated insults. the glances made him want to hide in the dark, away from those who called themselves his friends. friendships were complicated to him. were they trying to make him a better person? or were they just trying to be mean? he didn't know the difference. he didn't know any better.

so he tried to make them stop. not by telling them to stop, but by doing what everyone wants from him, what the world wants. he stopped buying the sweet snack that reminded him of the times when he was only a kid, loved so much by his mother. not sitting down on the dinner table filled with a variety of foods, looking delicious but, in fact, was made by a soul that was lost, turned out to be easier than the sweets. skipping lunch at school proved to be a difficult one, as his friends got curious when he avoided eating what the school served, knowing that he was a pig, eating anything and everything they put in front of him. fortunately, after a while, he found a solution. now, going to the toilets right after the lunchtime ended and right before the next lecture started was like a new pastime. when he found it hard to put his fingers in his mouth, he used a pencil, and he started carrying a toothbrush with him everyday. he made all the arrangements to his new routine. it was all to become a better person, a better friend. and a better son. he needed to make sacrificies and he understood that.

however, the changes didn't come as he expected.

sometimes he wouldn't eat anything for days, but he still got the same glances whenever he came to the table of his friends. he could feel his thighs burn, his hands shake at every glance that bore holes onto parts of his body. every ugly, wrong part of him was exposed under their stares and he couldn't do anything but pinch his thighs and push his nails inside of his palm. he tried to smile and act like how a normal version of him would. he tried his best to imagine himself better. but he could feel the failure in his whole existence.

he could feel his friends losing interest in him. jinyoung used to sit next to him to show him what he had on his phone. videos, games, anything. but he hadn't done anything to acknowledge him for the past weeks except for small greetings. he was sticking more to daehwi these days, the charming boy with the sweetest smile jihoon had ever seen. and they were playing together on jinyoung's phone, smiling prettily at each other. jihoon couldn't even dare to compare himself to daehwi. and minhyun used to ask him about his class, the one he had so much trouble understanding the concepts of. he had promised to tutor him but it had been exactly 3 weeks since he made the promise and the only time they actually talked after that was through a mere text message of minhyun telling him not to forget to return the book he burrowed. he had returned it intact, knowing how minhyun cared a lot about his books but minhyun hadn't even spared a glance at him, muttering a quiet thanks under his breath before running to his class. jihoon returned home after that, throwing away the chocolate he had gotten for minhyun with the hopes of giving him when they hang out. they hadn't.

daniel was another story which involved a much worse heartbreak. jihoon was over it, he was sure, but seeing how daniel was starting to be more and more absent from their table, slowly fading away made his heart ache like it used to. when he was in love. it was a long time ago, he was just a freshman and daniel was the sophomore, who was too sweet, too kind to be real. he was the first person to show kindness to jihoon and jihoon was innocent enough to fall in love. but of course, he knew he never had any chance. he knew daniel was too good, too better at anything and everything than him. daniel deserved someone so much better, so much worthier than jihoon. someone just like ong seongwu. seongwu was the most amazing person jihoon had ever met. he was witty, smart, so, so handsome and talented. he was good at everything and on top of all these, he was just as good of a person as daniel. they were made for each other and everyone acknowledged that. no one spared a glance at jihoon, no one noticed how he looked at daniel and no one even thought of the possibility of daniel being with jihoon, liking jihoon. it was impossible, so jihoon decided to grow up, be a better person and know his place. he watched daniel go sit at seongwu's table. he watched daniel stop talking to him, paying any attention to him. he told himself that it was okay, as long as they were happy. he could handle it, he could try harder and get over it. and so he did. he got over daniel, but he never became the better person. as the days went by, he felt more worthless. he felt lonely.

his days were almost always the same. wake up, ignore what's waiting downstairs, get to school without talking to anyone on the bus, sleep through the lectures, pretend to be okay during lunch, try not to get hurt when they ignore you, stop by the toilets, do what you have to do to become a better person. the regularity of his routine almost made him feel safe. almost. but he could feel his body weakening as the days went by putting the pencil, sometimes the toothbrush on his mouth, down his throat. he didn't sleep more than 3 hours, if he was lucky enough, on the days he was too tired to even move, he would get knocked out the moment he stepped into his room. he avoided looking into the mirror after seeing the way his face looked, so cold and dead like no piece of him left to be loved and cared for. he avoided wearing any revealing clothes too, not wanting to show the faults in him. he wasn't done fixing them yet and he wasn't going to be there anytime soon.

if his friends noticed anything different with him, they didn't mention it. at home, too, nobody talked to him unless it was absolutely necessary. but he understood that. he knew he had to wait until he was be worthy enough to be loved. he needed to be patient and do what he had to do.

but why was it so hard to be patient? why did he cry every single night, without a skip? and how long did he have to suffer? question filled his head everyday, more and more until all he can do was to think of them. the more he thought, the worse he became and the worse he became the uglier he felt. it was a non-ending cycle of self hatred and he didn't know how much longer he could even go on before someone noticed him. before someone loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> i might or might not add another chapter. thank you for reading!


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